Dear Mother Nature

Five days of rain will not cure a 5 year drought.

Signed,

Wet and Webbed in Flroida.

Oww!!!

Owwie! Owie!! Owwie!!

I broke my rib. The 9th one on the left side. (who knew ribs were numbered)

I have 20 people coming for Christmas dinner in two days and I can't do shit...

Did you know they don't wrap the ribs anymore? Nope, just leave them on their own with instructions to rest and not partake in any strenuous activities? WTF does that mean??

I have this breathing thingy that I am supposed to take 10 deep breaths into every hour. That's to make sure I don't come down with pnuemonia. See since my rib is broken I don't take very deep breaths...(because it hurts like hell).

I have to go to work today, I am off tomorrow and the rest of the week, but I have to go in today. Shit, that means no Vicodin...

Oh, how did I break my rib you are wondering????

I jumped off of the bar stool out by the tiki bar Saturday night. Only when I jumped down, I forgot that my left foot was wrapped around the bottom wrung...Yup, slam right into the wooden/tile top of the tiki bar.

Did I ever mention that my mother never included Grace anywhere in my name?

Merry Christmas to all!! Wish me luck with dinner, Not a Grampy will be doing most of the work!!

I'm a Monster

I've been lurking around the blogosphere and stole this from DutchBitch.

What Your Cute Monster Says About You

You are a giving, open, loving person. You truly want the world to be a better place. You appreciate what you have in life. You are very content. Your inner demon is sensitivity. You are very sensitive, and your sensitivity can be a double edged sword. People think you're cute because you're generous. You are easy to love - it's part of your charm.

The Cute Monster Test

Hey it totally counts as a post!!

I Got an 8!

How well do you know your TV theme songs? Our local newspaper want us to find out.



Check out the link and let me know how you did!



http://www.sptimes.com/2007/webspecials07/interactives/tv-themes-quiz/

I got this from I Got Two Babe. I just hope I don't burn out too soon.

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

How to Give the Cat A Pill

Thanks to Spaghetti Harvest for reminding me how to laugh!!

How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw .
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little brat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

Over or Under?

I come before you, oh great blogosphere, requesting you answer the questions that has haunted mankind for a millenium. Or at least haunted Not a Grampy and myself for 20+ years.

Does the toilet paper go on the roll over or under?

I want my toilet paper over. Not a Grampy, under.

It has to be over, that way when you go to pull your squares off you don't end up with the entire roll spread out on the floor. When it is under you can't even find the end to tear off the required amount. Especially when it is left hanging on the inside of the roll. Some consideration for the next user would be appreciated.

So, my dear friends in the Internet World. Can you please help me on this quest.

Over or Under?

Still Need to Clean Oven

Okay, yesterday I had a little accident in the oven. But, I guess I should tell the whole story.

A few weeks ago I was baking a French Bread Casserole for a work breakfast meeting that we were having. (try the recipe, it is excellent) Well, it kind of spilled (boiled) over in the oven. We have two wall ovens, so until I got it cleaned, I have been using the bottom oven.

I forgot yesterday that it was still a mess in the top oven. So, I turned it on to 475 degrees to do a "quick" cook of this french bread pizza thingy. (hey, I was sick, my head hurt, I wasn't thinking straight)....yup, lots of smoke from the spilled French Bread Casserole.

Okay, I will just turn off the upper oven, turn on the lower oven, and bake the pizza. Did that, put pizza in, set timer for 20 minutes (per instructions on box)....instructions for a regular bake, not the quick bake. The quick bake required microwaving said pizza for 1 minute to thaw, then bake for 5 minutes. Yup, I baked for 20...more smoke from bottom oven and very burnt French Bread Double Cheese Pizza.

I throw out pizza, decided I really didn't need pizza.

Now, I have all the windows open, fans on, ceiling fans on, door to garage open, trying to get rid of the smoke. Because, see, we have an alarm system that is also hooked up to the fire department. I really did not want a bunch of fire fighters out to visit yesterday.

So, I decide to clean the oven. It is self-cleaning. All I do is push the little "Clean Oven" button and in 3 1/2 hours I will have a clean oven, with just a small bit of ash to wipe from the bottom......

After about 1/2 hour I notice the smoke in the house has not dissipated one little bit. In fact, it seems that it is getting worse.

Now, I am sitting at the kitchen counter, on my laptop, looking at the oven. White smoke is now rolling out of the oven. My eyes are burning, my throat is closing up.

I had to stop the cleaning. I push the lovely little "Upper Oven Off" button. The oven now reads, "Cooling".

For another 1/2 hour more white smoked poured from my oven while it "cooled". And no, I do not have a lovely pile of ash in the bottom of the oven. I still have sticky, black, baked on even harder, mess.

The house still stinks like oven cleaning!