In Memoriam....

He is 4 Years Old

I started this blog to join into the blogging world. Which I thought was a bunch of fun people who would support you and join with you.

I've supported bloggers who have lost sons, needed help for their grandparents, just been good people who have been caught up in this damn recession. I've made friends that I talk to on the phone and those I have had the tremendous pleasure of being invited to their homes.

I have been a bad blogger...I blame it on FB...but I have been bouncing all over reading my friends blogs..rarely commenting (because I am doing it at work and I can get away with google reader on my computer when my boss walks in...but not your sexy header) LOL

My blog is going to change...I am in the midst of some life changing and scarey things. Things that I am not sure they are going to ever be right. The scarey part is they are not mine...they are what my 4 year old grandson, his mother and his father are going to have to learn to live with.

My 4 year old grandson has been diagnosed at Bipolar. I will share the rage incidents later, maybe. Godbless his current day care....they have been amazing, unlike the two before...

This blog is going to change, I need to be able to be there to help my daughter, her son, my SIL..and educate the rest of the world. My grandson is not a monster..he is a child with a mental health illness.

The short one in this picture...he is Bipolar. He has Rage incidents at his daycare that are scary. Rage incidents....these are not temper tantrums, these are destroying rooms, total loss of control.

He is an amazing little boy and will be an amazing person.

He is 4 years old.

Meeting Fellow Bloggers

I had the privilege of meeting two bloggers today.

I know that is not a big thing to most of you..and it probably was not a big thing to them either, they have gone to blogger get togethers...Halloween parties....meet ups...

It was a HUGE thing to me.

Thank you Cher and Thank you Angel!! You are both amazing women and have amazing families.

Meet....Not Your Typical Floozy!

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work last night. We needed a few essentials.

I am walking down the aisle with a 6 pack of beer in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other when I see them. A mother and teenage daughter walking towards me. Mother pushing the cart filled with groceries, daughter trailing a few paces behind (as teenage daughters do), frantically pulling down her T-Shirt.

Mind you, teenage daughter is a cute little blonde thing. Thin as cute little blond things are, with her hair in a pony tail.

I am, as I said, carrying the few essentials that we needed and I am wearing my black dress slacks, a knit top with 3/4 length sleeves. Said knit top has been washed a few times and it did shrink, I am also wearing my blackberry on my waist band.

Mother says to daughter, "...keep your shirt down, I don't want you walking around with your belly hanging out like some floozy."

"Sorry Mom", says cute teenage daughter.

They both glance at me as we pass...both their eyes drop to my waist area, where my belly is peeking out between my top and my slacks.

Mother frantically glances away and is now almost running down the aisle, daughter blushes and looks away and I? I burst out laughing, loudly. Good thing I had taken out my belly button ring...guess I was not your typical floozy.

Forever In My Heart

Miss you Daddy!

William "Bill"Applegarth
November 18, 1932 - January 12, 2009

Letter to My Sister

Dear Debi,

I do not know what is happening with you anymore? Where are you?

I remember when you were a baby....you were my baby..I was 3 and you were 5 months old we watched Romper Room on our black and white TV in the living room. Later when mommy would put you down for a nap...I would sneak into their bedroom where your crip was to watch you sleep. Then when you woke up..I would run to mom and tell her you were awake. She would take you out of the crib...nurse you and then let me hold you.

When you learned to walk...you walked to me and mommy and daddy...I was there when you were potty trained..(actually I remember rushing you to the potty..)

Later is school, my friends were your friends.

Now..I do not know you.

I wish I could understand where you are at...what is driving you to the decisions that you are making. But I cannot. I cannot understand why you are doing these things to our mother. Why you are still blaming her for your circumstance.

Every decision we make in our lives affects where we go. Each and every way we interact with someone affects our future. You have made your choices...

My job now is to protect our mother from you. You have made bad choices and bad decisions. You have decided that our mother is how you are going to survive.

That is not going to happen. You are not going to use, abuse, threaten our mother anymore.

She bailed you out of jail this time. It will not happen again.

I loved you and I am hoping that I can find it in myself to love you again someday. But right now all I can wonder is where is my "Debbie"?

No title, no spell check..just me spouting off.

Death is not right...it never comes when you are expecting it. It never gives you enough warning. It really sucks when you find out through a FB post. Especially when that death could have been prevented. You feel helpless when you work in the field..even if it is on the outside..but they had the contacts.

I even wonder..."why didn't she leave?"

We gave her all the information...we gave her everything she needed...why? Why? WHY??? Did She Go Back???? She is DEAD!!!

Damn...I can't take this...I cannot stay doing the fundraising when we are not doing anything...

I need a new job.

Hi Tim!!

My Rotary President has my blog on his yahoo sign in page and presented it tonight...

So I guess that means I need to start blogging again..

So.. I am back, with more and better ...and lots of stories of hot flashes...emotional outbursts..all the good stuff that goes with being almost 50...and still enjoying my wine

and for those of you who are joining me ...the wonderful blog design..was from my friend Sheila the desire to blog...came from finding some of these blogs and reading them...

I fell away for a short time..well long time...after Dad died..I was really not here or anywhere..

but I have found that I have missed the friendship that developed from the blogging. A lot of that transferred over to FaceBook..but I don't think we have the same "connection" in FB as we do in blogging...so..I am going to try and come back..and blog some more...

Note To Rotary Club Members....Get Over It!!

Feeling My Immortality

I turn 50 this year...yup 1/2 a century old, 1/2 of 100 years old, 50...Fifty Years Old...

This has gotten me to thinking about my life, what I have accomplished, where I am.

I do have two children, 3 grandchildren, a wonderful husband (who also turns 50 a month before me...**snicker**). I think I have relatively good health, or so the Dr. tells me.

I do know that I am going to die though. At some time everything dies, plants, animals, people.

Die, Death, Dead....those words mean so much more now.

When you die, you are gone. You aren't here, you don't talk on the phone with your daughter, you don't attend a grandchild's school production. You aren't watching football or baseball or a Nascar race. You won't be going to any concerts...because you aren't here. You are Dead. Gone.

How will I be remembered? Will I be remembered? Oh, I know my children will remember me...often at first, then as time goes on memories will fade. I will always be there as their Mother. They will remember times and events, little things.

But after they are gone, who will remember me?

P.S. I haven't received any bad news or anything like that...just turning 50.

Was It Only Last Year

January 2008 I wrote this, it was all a lie...well not all a lie..my sister was at the house taking care of my parents, our father.

January 12, 2009 he died...and with his death, my sister learned the truth..she is not the most important person in the world..she is not someone who people will look to for assistance, or even look to for guidance. Why not??? Because my sister is a drug addict who is taking advantage of everyone who ever loved her or cared about her.

My sister was able to go off of the drugs when she got pregnant...by her "fiance"..well that is what Larry has been introduced as to everyone..she even uses his last name sometimes....(we assume she was off the drugs only because the baby was born perfect)

She gave birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl..a child who has been exposed to some of the ugliest parts of life. I have to say, I am only guessing at the last statement..I have not personally seen anything that I can say puts the 1 year old girl at risk...only conversations over the phone.

Since January 12, 2009 our lives have all changed. My mother came to Florida this fall and spent 9 weeks here. She left my sister in charge of the house, paying her bills (all she had to do was mail the envelopes),.

When she arrived home, the house was a disaster, worse than a disaster, unlivable..just found out tonight (months later) that my sister had let some "friends" live there....she didn't mail the bills on time.....didn't do a lot of things.

Now my sister is mad at me because she can't understand why her "fiance" is in communications with his ex wife..I told her so what? You communicate with your ex..(he has custody of her 3 boys because she was determined unfit due to her drug use).

She hung up on my and screamed and yelled at our mother...slammed doors...screamed some more and left the house...

Note to my Sister:

Hello? You aren't even there..you drop off your child and leave..you spend your nights elsewhere...you are the reason you don't have a relationship..you are the reason he went to jail..you are the reason he doesn't care about you...

You told me that you don't want to be with him..here is your opportunity...

Oh wait..I forgot..you don't work because you are disabled...you haven't worked in 25 years...since you got married the first time...

Wow..you had an affair on your second husband....after a 20 year marriage (that you claimed was abusive)...we did find out that you were the abuser..of drugs.

The next time you are answer our mothers phone, and I ask to speak to our mother.....if you throw the phone and break it, I don't care what our mother says, I am calling the police on you, you will go to jail and I will make sure you do not have any contact with any of your children...including the baby girl.

You are out of control and need help, help I or mom, or your "friends" cannot provide. You need to check yourself into a facility..you need to be away from your "friends"...you need to Grow Up!!

My sister is a drug addict and tonight, on the road to destruction...2,000 miles away.

Introducing....

Morgan!!

Her first Birthday! She looks a lot like her Daddy!!

Eating a snack this January!!

And finally, falling asleep while having a snack..She is her father's daughter!!

Anniversaries and so on...

In one week my father will have been dead for 1 year...

In 6 days will be the 1 year anniversary of the last time I spoke to my father...

It wasn't really a conversation, because he could not speak, he lost the ability to speak months before. He could hear and he would respond to those around him with facial expressions, hand movements and head movements.

My daddy did not die from a stroke or a heart attack or anything sudden..it was a long, drawn out illness that took 2 years to sap the life out of him. I visited with him in November 2008...he died January 12, 2009.

My last conversation with my daddy was over the phone, with someone holding the phone for him, with his eyes open and moving...I told him "I love you daddy" and I repeated what he always said to my sister and I whenever we told him we loved him..."I know daddy..you love us more"...

Future Actions Will Speak Louder Than Words

It does take a lot to publicly apologize,



but is it just a publicity stunt? Or will he truly complete the Batterer's Intervention Program?

I, personally, believe that he should start a campaign with National Network to End Dometistic Violence, or National Coalition Against Domestic Violence to reach out to young people and be a voice to them. Part of his community service should include a national program.

Dear Mother Nature

Five days of rain will not cure a 5 year drought.

Signed,

Wet and Webbed in Flroida.

I am quitting smoking...

and I am a bear. It is only day 2 but I am really going to try this time.

In 1992 I quit for 3 years. So I know I can do it again.

In the last 5 years I have quit 3 times, the longest time was 27 days...so I have some goals, once I hit 27 days then my new record will be 28 days and so on.

I want to see my grandchildren grow up. I want to live past 62...I am 48 now and I don't want to go before I get to do everything I want to do. I have a "Bucket List" and I want to complete it.